"What Stands in a Storm" - The book that made me cry

So I just finished reading the book "What Stands in a Storm: Three Days in the Worst Superstorm to Hit the South's Tornado Alley" by Kim Cross. I'm sure some people wonder why I read books like that with what I went through. I can't really describe it but talking to other people who went through it and reading stories from other people feels a little like therapy to me. It's a group of people who have been there and have seen and/or experienced it for themselves. The hard part is reading about the people who didn't make it. I've always carried survivor's guilt about being one of the people who survived when so many others didn't. It's something that will never completely go away. I grew up in a family that lost three people in the 1974 super outbreak before I was born. I've seen how it changes their lives, especially when there are children who lose their lives that violently. If you've ever lost anyone in a tornado then this probably isn't a book that you want to read - you've already lived it.

However, I wish others would read it. It's one thing to hear the names of the deceased on TV or see pictures of them. It's another thing entirely to read about the last days, hours, and minutes of their lives. I think if more people did read this it might make tornado preparedness become a top priority for parents. When I read it the mother in me felt my heart break for those families. I think of my children growing up and me not being able to protect them. The survivor in me cried for the victims. As I read about their last texts, Facebook posts, and phone conversations I didn't have to image the horror they felt because I've already lived it. There are no words to explain that kind of terror that you feel deep inside when you know you're going to die in the next few seconds. And unfortunately, you can never get those moments out of your head. They can fade some over time, but you never forget.

I finally got a glimpse of what everyone must have went through with me when they started calling me after the storm and my phone went unanswered over and over and over. The silence is when people expect the worse - and are usually right. In my case however, my phone which had been by my side was buried under the rubble of the house and the only phone number I could remember in that moment was my parents' home phone, my phone number growing up, only their house was no longer standing either.

As we enter severe weather season please take the time to make severe weather plans and discuss them with your family. If you have children make sure they know what the plan is - teach them early and they will remember it later in life. PLEASE, if you don't have a tornado shelter plan now on where to go in the event of a tornado warning. Basements can collapse (if they aren't built as a shelter), and small inner rooms don't always stand.

Don't assume it will never happen to you. I made that mistake. I never thought it would happen to me and neither did any of the families in the book. In fact, I don't know of anyone who ever imagined that it would happen to them. But it does happen to people just like you and me. It always happens to people just like you and me.

http://www.amazon.com/What-Stands-Storm-Superstorm-Tornado

April 27 - Three Years Later

With the third anniversary of the tornado tomorrow I thought I would go ahead and write this one. After every disaster there are always pictures of the survivors in the media. Notice, that I said “survivors”. I've never once called myself a “victim”. To me the victims are the ones whose lives were tragically cut short. We all see the pictures after tornadoes – the person digging through the rubble of their home looking shocked and lost. What most people never know, and a lot of people never think about, is what happens to those people after the media attention disappears. What happens down the road when everyone else has moved on?

Being born into a family that was devastated by an F5 on April 3,1974 I've seen the pain that my family went through, and still goes through, because of that day. I wasn't born at the time of that tornado, and even though it's my family, I could never fully understand the lasting trauma it inflicted. That's something that you can't imagine until you live through it. My grandparents were the strongest people I ever knew, and I didn't realize it until April 27, 2011. I don't know how they went through the pain of the tornado and the grief of losing a child and two grandchildren at the same time. I was born seven years after the 1974 tornado,- and I always remember my grandmother being happy and my grandfather being more quiet and reserved. It took me thirty years to discover that you can smile and be happy while still being torn apart inside. I know – I've smiled and laughed at times during the past three years while I felt like I was dying inside. So while I'm happy and have moved forward with life, here's the other side of my life that I don't tend to let people see.

Three years later...

I'm terrified of storms.

I'm sure you're thinking that's a given. The thing is that people don't realize how terrified I am. I've been through a year of counseling. I can function through my terror during a tornado warning, but the fear doesn't go away just because you learn how to function through it. I hear and see some people make comments, especially on social media, about people “overreacting” to the weather. When I read those comments to my husband he just shakes his head and says that they don't know; that they haven't been through it. The thing that people who haven't been through it before don't realize is that we aren't overreacting. We are simply reacting to what we know. Before you go through it, when you hear about a chance of severe weather you think it might get a little bad but nothing is going to happen. You'll go to your safe place, wait it out, and everything will be okay. After you've been through it your frame of reference changes. For me,when I hear about a chance of severe weather I remember the fear. My first thought is “I don't want to die today”, because for me the word tornado is synonymous with having to fight for my life. My mind goes back to that day and I remember everything going black. I remember the terror of hearing a freight train in my ear. I remember the wall vibrating and moving against my back. I remember the horrible pressure when it went across the top of my body. I remember the strongest wind I've ever felt pounding at me. I remember reaching up for something to hold onto, and realizing the walls were already gone. I remember the feeling of debris hitting me. I remember the moment when I realized that I was going to die – the moment I realized that my family was going to be devastated by a tornado again. They would never know how hard I fought to stay here with them. I remember how horrible it felt to know that my husband would be the one who found my body. There's no amount of counseling that can take away those memories. There's no amount of counseling that can take away my fears. Overreacting? No. I just have a different frame of reference when it comes to severe weather.

The memories sneak up on you.

This is one that continues to surprise me because I never know when it's going to happen. It can be the slightest thing. If I walk outside on a windy, overcast day I remember the wind on April 27. Sometimes I can walk through our house and smell the really strong odor of wood that was in the air after the tornado. I smelled it on April 27 and again on March 2 of the following year, although I think the second time was just a trigger of the memory from the first tornado since I was the only one who could smell it. Once I was at a children's consignment shop and saw a little wooden dog pull toy. I had the exact same one as a child. Out of nowhere tears started coming. A few weeks later we actually found my little dog in a tub in the garage. Someone found it after the tornado and packed it away. For about two years I thought it was gone. Now it sits on the bookcase in our living room. There are a lot of things like that, especially things from my childhood that I saved for my children and lost that day, that just hit me out of nowhere.

My memory is still affected.

For those of you who have spent time around me in the last three years you probably noticed that I can't remember much anymore. It's a little better than it used to be, but I've finally conceded to the fact that I'll never have a good memory again. I guess there's just too much trauma for that. Brandon and I play trivia every Tuesday night and there are times when we know that we should know the answer to a question and we just can't remember it anymore. Once there was an easy question on state capitals – what's the capital of New Jersey? I've known my state capitals since eighth grade history class, but I just couldn't pull it out of my head. I told Brandon, “this is going to make me mad when I hear the answer because I know it.” When I heard that the answer was “Trenton” I looked at him and said, “no, that's not it.” Even though I've known the capitals for most of my life I'd never heard of the town of Trenton. Obviously, I had heard of it, but as far as my brain was concerned that was the first time. That has happened over and over in some shape constantly for the past three years. It used to bother me more, now I've just accepted that there are some things I'm not going to remember.

Life moves forward and I've chosen to move forward too. I can laugh. I can smile. I can find joy in what God has given me. I'm alive – and that in itself is a miracle. I have a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. There was a time, just three years ago, when I didn't have those things. I have a great husband, a sweet baby girl who makes me smile everyday, and another little one on the way. That's not to say that I don't have my bad moments. I still have nightmares about tornadoes, and I know that I always will. The morning after those dreams are rough because the memories are right there again. Why God chose to bless me with being one of the survivors of April 27, 2011 and not one of the fatalities is beyond my comprehension. One of the hardest things for me is knowing that absolutely nothing I did that day was enough to save me. Other people did the same things I did and didn't make it. That's a hard reality to live with, but as hard as it is I thank God that I'm here to live with it.

Don't judge me unless you've walked in my shoes

One thing I love about this country is our freedom of speech. I don't, however, like it when that freedom is used to hurt other people. Especially, when you get to hide behind the internet to do it. Where is this coming from you might wonder?

I saw a comment on the link to one of the news stories about the gift card drive back in May for the tornado survivors in Moore Oklahoma. I should never read comments on news stories. Most of them are written by people who don't know what they are talking about and just want to cause problems. Well the person who wrote the comment doesn't know what he's talking about and the only thing he accomplished was to make me cry for the last 10 minutes. Here's what he had to say:

"It was by the grace of God," she said. "That's the only reason I'm here. There's no other explanation." Did that mean that those that die do not have the grace of God?

Someone else replied defending me and here was the reply to their comment:

You are correct. I do not know why she survived - but she seems to know. I am just using her logic and applying it to those that did not survive.

Well, I was angry and hurt when I started writing this, but although I'm still hurt I actually pity the person who wrote that. With everything I've been through I still see God in this world. They obviously can't. If the tornado had to happen to one of us, I'm glad that it happened to me and not to them because I don't think they would have been able to handle it. But, since they have to imply that I think the people who died on April 27, or in any tornado, didn't have the grace of God, allow me to let you into the dark part of my life that few people have ever seen.

I don't know why I survived. You are wrong about that. I know how I survived, but not why. I wonder about the answer to that question everyday. You think it doesn't break my heart that children died? I live with the guilt everyday that I'm here and they aren't. Just because I'm able to smile and find joy in life does not mean that I don't think about everyone who didn't make it. I think about them all of the time. And just because I'm alive doesn't mean that I'm back to normal. I suffer from nightmares. I'm terrified of storms. I can't be in a dark room, and I hate when the power goes out - because that's the last thing that happened in that closet right before my life changed. I don't like to be alone at night. I struggle with anxiety and stress. My memory is horrible. My short term memory is very short, and parts of my long term memory were wiped out. I have fears you can't imagine.

I knew I was going to die that day. For whatever reason, God let me live. I don't understand why, but I'm so thankful that He did. I don't understand why some people live and others don't. I never have and I never will. But just because there are tragedies does not mean that God doesn't exist. For you to want me to either not credit God for my survival or to have to explain why God didn't save another life is wrong. You should never try to put that on another person. Although you make me cry, you will never shake my faith. You will never change that fact that I am here by the grace of God.

I have to work under the assumption that the person who wrote that comment does not believe in God, because anyone who believes in God wouldn't say something like that. It amazes me that I've never attacked anyone for their beliefs, or lack of them, yet people who don't believe in God constantly try to tear apart anything bearing the name of Christ. Why do they work so hard to destroy something that they don't even think exists? I'll humor you for a minute and say what if you're right? What if we get to the end of our life and there's no God? Well, I've lived a good life. I'm been nice to people. I've tried to help people out. But what happens when we get to the end of our life and God is there? I've lost nothing. The people who don't believe have lost everything. Just something to think about. By the way, now that I've stopped crying I'll be praying for you.

And FYI, I take that comment VERY personally. Three people in my family died in an F5 tornado in 1974. I have NO doubt that God was with them every moment of that horrible day. Why did they die? I don't know. But I do know that it was NOT because they didn't have the grace of God.

It was the grace of God,” she said. “That’s the only reason I’m here, there’s no other explanation.”

Does that mean that those that die do not have the grace of God?

It was the grace of God,” she said. “That’s the only reason I’m here, there’s no other explanation.”

Does that mean that those that die do not have the grace of God?

“It was the grace of God,” she said. “That’s the only reason I’m here, there’s no other explanation.”

Does that mean that those that die do not have the grace of God?

“It was the grace of God,” she said. “That’s the only reason I’m here, there’s no other explanation.”

Does that mean that those that die do not have the grace of God?

It was the grace of God,” she said. “That’s the only reason I’m here, there’s no other explanation.”

Does that mean that those that die do not have the grace of God?

Moore Tornadoes, Moore Heartache

It's been awhile since I've written. I've had a lot on my mind the last few weeks, mainly tornadoes and the people of Oklahoma who were slammed with storms and tornado warnings almost daily for weeks. The worst of those being the EF5 that struck the town of Moore. I heard about the tornado on the radio as I was driving home from work that Monday afternoon, and I felt God pulling at me to do something. I came home, turned on the TV, and couldn't turn away from the coverage from Oklahoma. I cried when I heard about the children who lost their lives inside of that elementary school. That pulling at my heart grew even stronger. For the last two years I've said that when God calls me to do something, I'm going to do my best to listen. Two years ago God answered when I called on Him, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to do the same.

As soon as I told my husband that I felt God pulling at me to do something to help, he stood by me. The only problem was that I didn't have a clue where to start. The next day, reliving some of the emotions I went through on April 28, 2011 (the morning after I survived), I made a post on Facebook about sending gift cards to Moore Oklahoma. Then I sent an email to Holly Hollman, who wrote the two month anniversary story on my family back in 2011 when she worked for the paper. Holly now works for the city of Athens. I asked if she knew of any place that might be willing to let me set up on a Saturday and collect gift cards. Well, with God leading the way Holly secured the Athens Police Department as our drop off point. She also contacted the local media to get coverage about the gift card drive. I owe a lot to her for getting everything going. I had no idea what would happen when I sent her that email, but God knew.

I didn't know if anyone would even show up that day at the police department. We were there a few minutes before 10 to start setting up, and the first person stopped by and dropped off $100, before we even got our table set up. And people just kept coming. I set a personal goal of raising $4,027 in gift cards, in remembrance of 4-27-2011, the day I was given a second chance at life. We didn't reach the $4,027, but we have raised an incredible $2,730 so far. Two shipments of gift cards for the town of Moore.

I thank the people of North Alabama for caring so much. Every person who came out, helped touched my heart. There were other survivors from April 27 who came out. There was even a couple from Moore Oklahoma, who now live in North Alabama who stopped by to help out. To each of you who stepped up and gave from your heart, no matter the amount, THANK YOU! I thank you, and more importantly the people of Moore thank you. I've walked in their shoes so I can say that. You may think that you were doing something good for the people of Oklahoma, but what you didn't know is that you were also helping to heal me. When I see tornado damage on the news, especially the large destructive ones, it takes a part of my heart back to the day I was standing there in the rubble lost and confused. When you reached out your hand to the residents of Moore, without realizing it, you reached your hand out to me and pulled me back from the memories that haunt me.

One of the things I remember the most from two years ago is that Mother's Day was about two weeks after the tornado. One of the local churches made baskets, and church members were walking around neighborhoods giving them out. A lady came up me when she found out we were the homeowners. She held out the basket to me and told me that they were for Mother's Day. I shook my head and told her that I wasn't a mother yet. She looked at me, placed the basket in my hands, and said "Take it anyway". I will always remember that moment. For some of the residents of Moore, receiving your gift cards will be that moment for them. They may not know your names, but they will never forget you.