I was reading the other night and the following verse popped out at me.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
I read and re-read that a few times. Wow. I think of all of the things in my life that have put so much fear in me over the last few years. I've dealt with a lot of anxiety since the first tornado. When your life gets completely turned upside down, for whatever reason and by whatever means, it's easy to worry and stress and fear things that are out of our control. It makes me think of my daughter. Last week, anytime she got close enough to something she would pull up to her knees. Now she's pulling up and standing. Earlier tonight she stood up in her crib. It made her smile and laugh. She wants to let go and that scares me. I don't want her to fall and get hurt. Amazing - I have fear that she'll get hurt, and she doesn't. She has no fear at the moment. She wants to pull up and let go, and she's not afraid to try.
Wouldn't it be great if we were all like that again? Wouldn't it be great if we could all be fearless when it comes to the things we really want in life. Sometimes the fear of failing keeps us on the sidelines. We convince ourselves that we can't do something, when really we've either convinced ourselves that we're going to fail so why bother or we're too afraid of what others will think if we do try and fail.
I can't swim. I've always said that. The truth is I can't say that I can't swim. I've never tried to learn how, so I don't know that I can't do it. I just don't know how to swim. It's the same with people who tell me that they can't run. Unless they've tried then they don't know that they can't run. I wonder how many amazing talents we all have that are hidden because we're too afraid of failure to give them a shot.
God didn't give us a spirit of fear. My daughter has shown that to me this week. I hope that one day I can lose the fear I've carried since the tornado. And maybe one day I'll learn to swim.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Living with PTSD - Part 2
I could also have titled this one - "Where's My Memory?". Apparently, from everything I've read, memory problems aren't an uncommon symptom for people who go through natural disasters and other traumatic events. The question I haven't seen the answer to is "do the memory problems go away?" So far mine haven't.
I'm very forgetful, though it's gotten a lot better. It's not the normal kind of forgetfulness. Normally when you forget something and someone mentions it, it jogs your memory. You just forgot about it. With me, someone mentions it and it doesn't jog my memory. For example Brandon would ask me to do something, and later he'd ask if I'd done it and I had no memory that I was even supposed to do it. It got to the point where I started having to write down anything important I was supposed to do.
There are parts of my life that I don't remember. I don't remember Christmas 2010. It was the last time I would ever celebrate Christmas at the house I grew up in, and it was the only Christmas we celebrated at our first house, and I have no memory of it.There are other things I don't remember, and I've come to the conclusion that those memories aren't coming back.
The annoying thing about my memory is that I've forgotten things I've known my whole life. Brandon and I play trivia in town once a week. We'll hear a question and I'll know the answer, but when I try to remember it, it's like I hit a brick wall in my brain. It's there, but I just can't get to it. I can't even remember the state capitals. We learned those in 8th grade, and on the day of the tornado I could have told you the capital of any state in the country. We were playing trivia one night and one of the questions was the state capital of Connecticut. I knew it. It was right there. I just couldn't get to it. I told Brandon that I would know it when I heard it. When the answer "Hartford" was announced, even though I've known the answer to that question for years, it drew a complete blank. I'd never heard of Hartford Connecticut. It' strange when you hear something that you know you've known for years and it doesn't even sound familiar. I recently had to relearn the state capitals, just because it bothered me to not know them anymore. I've been surprised at how hard it is to remember them now. In fact a lot of them weren't even familiar to me.
I also can't remember names when I meet new people. I'm horrible at it. By the time the conversation is over I've already forgotten. That's something that I'm working on, but I'll probably always struggle with it.
Maybe someday I'll get my memory back. It's coming up on two years soon so I'm pretty doubtful of that. Any chance of that probably disappeared when we went through the stress of the second tornado last March. Just know that if you see me and I tell you I don't remember something, it's not for lack of interest or for lack of trying. My mind just doesn't work like it used to.
I'm very forgetful, though it's gotten a lot better. It's not the normal kind of forgetfulness. Normally when you forget something and someone mentions it, it jogs your memory. You just forgot about it. With me, someone mentions it and it doesn't jog my memory. For example Brandon would ask me to do something, and later he'd ask if I'd done it and I had no memory that I was even supposed to do it. It got to the point where I started having to write down anything important I was supposed to do.
There are parts of my life that I don't remember. I don't remember Christmas 2010. It was the last time I would ever celebrate Christmas at the house I grew up in, and it was the only Christmas we celebrated at our first house, and I have no memory of it.There are other things I don't remember, and I've come to the conclusion that those memories aren't coming back.
The annoying thing about my memory is that I've forgotten things I've known my whole life. Brandon and I play trivia in town once a week. We'll hear a question and I'll know the answer, but when I try to remember it, it's like I hit a brick wall in my brain. It's there, but I just can't get to it. I can't even remember the state capitals. We learned those in 8th grade, and on the day of the tornado I could have told you the capital of any state in the country. We were playing trivia one night and one of the questions was the state capital of Connecticut. I knew it. It was right there. I just couldn't get to it. I told Brandon that I would know it when I heard it. When the answer "Hartford" was announced, even though I've known the answer to that question for years, it drew a complete blank. I'd never heard of Hartford Connecticut. It' strange when you hear something that you know you've known for years and it doesn't even sound familiar. I recently had to relearn the state capitals, just because it bothered me to not know them anymore. I've been surprised at how hard it is to remember them now. In fact a lot of them weren't even familiar to me.
I also can't remember names when I meet new people. I'm horrible at it. By the time the conversation is over I've already forgotten. That's something that I'm working on, but I'll probably always struggle with it.
Maybe someday I'll get my memory back. It's coming up on two years soon so I'm pretty doubtful of that. Any chance of that probably disappeared when we went through the stress of the second tornado last March. Just know that if you see me and I tell you I don't remember something, it's not for lack of interest or for lack of trying. My mind just doesn't work like it used to.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Did Will Carter Find Niko? - The Adairsville Tornado Pictures That Brought Tears
I'm sure by now most people have heard about the EF3 that hit Adairsville Georgia on Wednesday, from the same system that came through here early Wednesday morning. I was looking at some of the pictures, trying to think about how I could help out, when I saw the pictures that bring tears to my eyes every time I see them. They are pictures of a 15 year old named Will Carter who came home from school to a destroyed house. In the photos he's looking for his dog named Niko (go to Google images and search "Will Carter and Niko"). I'm not one of those people who can see a photo like that and just forget about it. Maybe it's because I've stood where Will Carter has stood.
I've been on every side of the fence you can be on in that situation. I've stood there heartbroken next to a pile of rubble hoping my pets were okay while knowing inside that there was no way they could have survived. I've felt the pure joy of finding one of them alive, followed 24 hours later by the crushing pain of having to bury another one. I also have the open wound for the one we never found. There's no closure. I don't know if he lived or died, and it's hard not knowing.
Below I've added a picture that was taken by my coworker Greg just minutes after Daisy was pulled from the rubble on day 12 (that's my coworker Josh in the background who actually pulled Daisy from the rubble). I hope that Will Carter gets to experience that joy. Unfortunately, the cameras will move on pretty quickly, and I'll probably be left with a question that I'll never know the answer to - Did Will Carter ever find Niko??????
I've been on every side of the fence you can be on in that situation. I've stood there heartbroken next to a pile of rubble hoping my pets were okay while knowing inside that there was no way they could have survived. I've felt the pure joy of finding one of them alive, followed 24 hours later by the crushing pain of having to bury another one. I also have the open wound for the one we never found. There's no closure. I don't know if he lived or died, and it's hard not knowing.
Below I've added a picture that was taken by my coworker Greg just minutes after Daisy was pulled from the rubble on day 12 (that's my coworker Josh in the background who actually pulled Daisy from the rubble). I hope that Will Carter gets to experience that joy. Unfortunately, the cameras will move on pretty quickly, and I'll probably be left with a question that I'll never know the answer to - Did Will Carter ever find Niko??????
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