Living with PTSD - Part 1

There's a lot of awareness about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder these days. There are a lot of posts on Facebook urging people to remember those battling PTSD, but I've yet to see anyone step up and admit that they have it. No matter how much we struggle to help and understand the people living with it we can't escape the simple fact that there still seems to be a stigma around it. So I'll let you all in on something about my life - I'm living with PTSD.

I finally admitted that I needed help and I've been in counseling since November. In a way I was actually relieved to find out that's what it is because at least now I have an answer to all of the symptoms I've dealt with for almost 2 years. Mine isn't severe and doesn't require medication, and I hope that someday I'll be free from the disorder.

Let's take yesterday for example. We were at my parents' apartment and there was a movie on TV. In the movie a family was trying to make it through the wind outside to their cellar as a tornado was approaching. You could hear the wind as they sat down in the cellar waiting out the storm. When they came out everything was gone. I told myself that it was okay. I wasn't experiencing the storm - it was just on TV. There was no threat to my life. And for someone else that would have been enough. Not for me. I had a nightmare last night that I know was triggered from watching that scene.

In the nightmare I was walking through the house, only it wasn't the house we have in real live, and the tornado siren sounded. We weren't expecting any severe weather, so I was nervous. I didn't know where the storm was, but I started telling Brandon to help me get the cats in their pet carriers. (We do that now in real life because I can't bear the thoughts of losing another pet in that way. One of my biggest fears is that we won't be able to find them all in time and we will have to leave one of them behind in a warning). Of course, Brandon goes to the bathroom and stays, and stays, and stays. (I've done that in my nightmares before too. I think the bathroom part of some of the nightmares comes from the fact that on April 27 I didn't go to the bathroom before the tornado came through. I thought the warning would be over in a few minutes and I would go then. I paid dearly for that decision and it shows even in my dreams now).

So Brandon is in the bathroom in the dream, and I was trying to get the cats into the carriers by myself. I kept yelling at Brandon,"We have to go!". Of course that didn't help. I managed to get Hammer and Miller into a carrier together (we put them in the same carrier in real life because Miller flips out when he's in one alone). I put Daisy in another. I yelled at Brandon again "we HAVE to go NOW!". I knew every minute we waited the tornado was getting closer and closer. Finally I decided to go ahead and take the pet carriers out and put them in the shelter and come back and get Lily since I couldn't take her down first and leave her. I couldn't get Furball in a carrier so I had to leave her inside.

Outside  the sky was so dark, and I knew the tornado was coming. Brandon appeared outside the shelter while I was taking the carriers down. He asked me what to do, and I yelled for him to bring Lily down. As we all sat in the shelter waiting for the storm to hit I kept thinking about having to leave Furball behind. Thankfully, I woke up before the storm hit just like I usually do.

NIghtmares like that have plagued me not just for almost 2 years since the tornado, but for my entire life. Long before April 27 I had nightmares of living through tornadoes though they were a LOT less frequent in those days.

Most people, even after April 27, hear about the chance of tornadoes and they might be a little worried, but it doesn't affect their life. When I hear about I get anxious until they threat is over, even if the forecast is several days in advance. I wait for it in dread. When most people hear that forecast they think "oh, it might get bad tomorrow", but when I hear it I think "I don't want to die tomorrow", and in my mind I feel like I'm going to have to fight for my life every time a thunderstorm comes through.

I was so numb after the tornado - that's how your body reacts so that you aren't too overwhelmed by the grief. There was so much to be done with the cleanup and insurance and starting over that I kept myself pretty busy so I didn't have to think about everything and feel all of those emotions. Well, that was fine in the beginning, but eventually I reached the point where I couldn't slow down. If I wasn't constantly doing something - like cleaning - then my mind started letting things in and I would get anxious and nervous. It reached the point where I didn't know how to relax. If I sat down to just watch TV or read I would get antsy because there were so many things I felt like I should be doing instead. A lot of times if I wanted to read I'd do it while walking on the treadmill, that way both my mind and my body were busy. I think I drove Brandon crazy constantly asking him to do things around the house that didn't really didn't need to be done right that minute, but if I saw something I could do that would distract me I couldn't stop thinking about it until it was done. I'm so grateful to be married to a counselor who realized what I was doing and kept encouraging me to talk to a counselor. Brandon and I never argued during those moments, he was just the voice of reason gently convincing me that we didn't need to mop the whole house at bedtime, or whatever strange thing popped into my mind.

I'm doing better. I can actually sit down and relax now. If I couldn't, I would be cleaning the entire house right now instead of writing this. It's still hard though. There are times when I want to do something to keep myself busy instead of relax, and I know I may never get completely away from that. But I'm trying. I've acknowledged that I can't do it on my own and that's one of the most important thing for anyone who lives with any form of PTSD - admitting that you need help and even more important than that is knowing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you need help.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write Part 2 about the rest of the things I've dealt with - the memory loss, seeing things that aren't there, and how overwhelming even the simplest things can be.

In the mean time, if I deal with these issues because of a natural disaster, just imagine what our returning soldiers, who've been through the horrors of war, are going through. My heart goes out to them. I hope they get the help they may need to adjust back into life outside of the war zone. Somehow we have to lose the stigma surrounding PTSD. Maybe it starts one person at a time.

Weight Loss Programs and Real Women

Here's one of my pet peeves - weight loss programs paying celebrities to lose weight. The most recent one has been Jessica Simpson getting paid $4 million dollars to lose her baby weight on their program. That's great for Jessica, not so great for the "normal moms" out there. Babies, or not, there is a big difference between normal women and celebrities.

Number 1) - Normal women don't get paid to lose weight. Not a million dollars, not a thousand dollars, not even a single dollar unless they find enough spare change on the ground while they are outside exercising to add up to a dollar. But if someone offered me enough money to lose my last few pounds of baby weight I'd make it a top priority. Until then I'll keep exercising and eating my chocolate.

Number 2) - Normal women have a limited amount of time to exercise, especially mothers. They don't get to spend hour upon hour at the gym working out. They have to cook, clean, run errands, do laundry, change diapers, run carpools, etc. On top of that a lot of women work outside of the home. They don't get to pay someone to do all of those things for them like a lot of celebrities do. Truth be known, I wouldn't want to pay someone to do those things for me. Then I wouldn't be able to rattle off a list of things I did that day to make my husband do a chore that I didn't want to do :)

Number 3) - Normal women don't always have the motivation to lose the weight. It's hard working out and eating the right way to lose weight when you're busy, stressed, and have a child that needs your attention. It would be a lot easier if you were rich and getting even richer every time you hit the gym. If I knew I was getting paid to work out I'd be doing it all of the time. The sad thing is Jessica Simpson got paid more to lose 50 pounds than I'll make working for 30 years.

I wish the weight loss programs would do all of the "normal women" out there a favor. Either start paying real moms to lose the weight, which would be a more realistic representation of your clientele, or stop paying the celebrities. Let them work to lose the weight without any incentive, just like millions of women in this world try to do everyday.

If only God had given us three hands

I was in the waiting room at the pediatrician's office last week trying to juggle my purse and Lily's diaper bag while keeping my little wiggle worm underneath a blanket so we could walk through the cold wind to the car after her appointment. I didn't know how to open the door since my hands were more than full. I was about to push it open with my hip, when a man opened the door for me. He said, "If only God had given us three hands". I agreed with him.

An extra hand sure would come in handy sometimes, I thought. Then I realized that none of my ideas would work with an extra hand. I still wouldn't be able to cook and do laundry at the same time. I still wouldn't be able to clean the house and read a book at the same time. That's what I really want to be able to do - multiple things at once. I don't need an extra hand; I need an extra me. Maybe that's why we only have two hands. Still it sure would be nice to be able to open a door without help.

Another Good Man Laid to Rest

Today another good Pitts man was laid to rest. Elwood was my daddy's cousin, but of all of my daddy's cousins, and there are a lot of them, he was probably the one I saw the most growing up. I don't think I ever saw him without a smile, which says a lot because I know he didn't have the easiest of times in life. In ways he reminded me of my Uncle Wallace. They both lost small children in their lifetime and somehow found the strength to keep going.

Brandon and I were still dating the first time he met Elwood. He stopped at my parents to pick me up and before we left Elwood happened to stop by on his way to go dancing. Brandon could never remember his name afterward, but he'd ask about the "guy who liked to dance".

I was at the funeral home last night, just outside of the parlor where he lay, and I realized that the very last time I saw him I was standing in that same place at Buddy Tyler's visitation a few months ago. I was in a long line waiting to pay my respects when Elwood walked up to sign the guest book. He saw me, smiled, and stopped to talk to me for a minute. I never imagined that would be the last time I saw him alive.

When he passed away three days ago I know there was a great reunion in Heaven between him, his little boy, and all of the great Pitts men and women who are waiting there for us. Though it's hard to imagine him gone, I know he's smiling that smile of his and dancing down the streets of Heaven.

Time Keeps Flying By

It seems like time keeps on flying by in the Adair house. Baby Lily is growing up fast. She's cutting three teeth right now to add to the ones she already has. She's found new friends in Hammer and Miller (the kittens we adopted after the tornado), Hammer mainly. She'll pull Hammer's ears and fur and poke at her. I'm trying to teach her to be gentle with the cats, but thankfully Hammer doesn't mind - she just sits there and takes it.

Brandon is training for his first marathon in a few months. He's got me beat on that one. I'll stick with half marathons, which after being anemic during the spring, isn't as easy as it used to be.

Furball is on a diet. Yes, I put my cat on a diet. I don't know what else to do. She stress eats, and after what she went through during the tornado I understand why she does it. She lived in the rubble for 36 days and lost so much weight that she ate and ate when we got her back home. She got better about it after a while, but then last March came around, and although that tornado wasn't nearly as bad, it still sent Furball right back to stress eating again. She was 15.2 pounds when I started her diet last week. It consists of more canned food for the protein and less dry food full or carbohydrates. We'll see if it works. She's kind of short so it makes the weight look so much worse on her.

And Daisy is content as long as Brandon is around :)

Free short story about my survival...

There story of what happened the day of the tornado, which started my journal, is available for free at Smashwords.com.


https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/273411